I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My last name is Zilla.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate