*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.