[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
called in thicc to work this morning
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.