This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Yup.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you