If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I saw this ending much differently.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*