I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running