8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
i smell a pulitzer
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.