A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.