Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
For the ones in the back.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
new year update: losing everything but weight
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that