Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Monica just destroyed the internet
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
who did the taste test?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.