Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just a friendly reminder!