Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.