getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t