My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Thoughts
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure