Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
No laws when master is gone
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.