My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂