young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*