To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Grandmother clock.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
United Steaks of America
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.