*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
We’ve all been there…
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.