My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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three things we don’t talk about
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.