Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My brain is a bad influence on me