My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
They got Raph!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .