So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell