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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.