My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no