My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
We found love in a hopeless place.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
spot the difference
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.