It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
You Might Also Like
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)