i will avenge u mr van gogh
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work smarter, not harder
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
life finds a way
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.