My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Confused owl: What?!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
So we got a goldfish…