me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.