If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.