7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Baller is short for ballerina
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.