Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You Might Also Like
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.