If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Breaking news:
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
@funTweeters
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.