My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.