Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You Might Also Like
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Wait a minute…
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together