[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom