The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one