Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great