hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
this is the greatest thing ever
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win