Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Support your local cemetery
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.