[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch