Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
yeet
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
when you are just born a rebel
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
This is my pinned tweet
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
reviewed some movies recently
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?