Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end