GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁