A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.