I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The photographer’s assistant
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.