Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.