I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
You Might Also Like
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor