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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”